February 02, 2018
I find it intimidating, inexorable. It makes me feel inadequate and a failure. I don’t know why having a blank canvas makes me fear that I won’t have anything good to say. And perhaps I will have, but don’t try to get it out, fear only stops us. I should just let myself go and start writing something, without fear of failure or a goal. Sometimes when I start writing, I’ll often have an idea of what I want to talk about.
It’s so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas. — Paul Cezanne
But then, after the first sentence, I’ll surrender to fear, to mediocrity (?) and just leave the draft there with that initial sentence. Even this post, which is a reminder to myself to commit to my goals, and not surrender to fear. I had to revisit it, like 4 or 5 times prior to actually start writing up to the point you’re reading now.
An empty canvas is full if you want it to be full
The problem is not the black canvas or the endless possibilities. It’s the irrational fear of not having anything good to say, of rejection of my thoughts. I feel too much imaginary pressure, fear of what others will say of me, of not being good enough to impress. But in reality I shouldn’t try to impress anybody except myself, I shouldn’t try to imitate, or write stuff that I don’t believe just to feel a false sensation of acceptance and being part of a community. As I liberate myself from this chains and write this post to keep a reminder for life of how to feel this free. I leave you with my thoughts, and hopefully, you can find some help here, as I’ll do when I come back to this writing.
I love distributed systems, software architecture, emotional intelligence and how they intersect.